Tales From The House That Jack Built
by Raindrops on Roses
Summary: A collection of ficlets from a Stargate AU, with characters from both SG1 and Atlantis. No pairings as of yet.
1. The Internet is really, really great

Title: Tales From The House That Jack Built

Author: Raindrops on Roses

Rating: M  
Category: Humor, Alternate Universe  
Spoilers: None.

Fandom: Stargate SG-1/Atlantis  
Pairing: None.

Word Count: 519

Disclaimer: I own neither SG-1 nor Atlantis. It's very disappointing.

Summary: Sam introduces Vala to the wonders of the Internet.

Author's Notes: These are a bunch of assorted ficlets based on an alternate universe inspired by the CBS sitcom _Big Bang Theory_. See the LJ community jacklives for more info (you can find the link in my profile).

* * *

"Wait--you own a... a vibrator?" a slightly tipsy Sam asked. Vala was a bad, bad influence--she'd never ask that sort of question normally.

She did a lot of things around Vala she wouldn't normally do.

Vala smiled. "Of course! Don't you?"

Sam blinked. "Well, yeah, but I'm me. I wouldn't think you would need..."

"There are times when I can't be arsed to deal with the idiocy of men." Vala laughed. "And they come in quite handy other times, too." She leered. "Pun intended." Sam gulped her wine as she tried to figure out how to change to subject.

Alas, it was not to be.

"Hold on." Vala plunked her glass onto the table, sending wine sloshing over Sam's latest AWIS magazine. "_You_ own a vibrator?"

Sam groaned. "Oh, God..."

Vala bounced gleefully. "What kind? Electric or battery-operated? Did you bring a friend to the store with you? Next time, let me know, I'll go with you; I've been looking for a replacement for my Hitachi since the cord wore out."

"Um." Sam didn't know what to say. This wasn't normal conversation--what was she saying? This was Vala. And thus, she found herself answering slightly invasive questions. At least she wasn't going to end up with a tattoo this time.

She hoped.

"Uh... both. And I didn't go to a store; I ordered them online."

"Them? A collection? Let me see!"

"Uh-uh."

"Come on, Sam! We don't need secrets between friends!"

"Vala, I'm not showing you my vibrators." And there was a sentence she never thought she'd utter.

"Oh, pooh. You're no fun." Vala brightened. "You'll at least show me where you got them, right? I never knew you could get them from the Internet." She paused. "Though that does take some of the fun out of the whole thing."

Sam squirmed. "I... I guess I can e-mail you some sites."

"E-mail? Bah!" Vala waved her hand. "You have a computer. Actually, you have three, but that's beside the point. Show me now." Sam hesitated. "Or I'll drag you out to my favorite store and--"

Sam was at the computer in a flash, pulling up her favorite website. Vala peered over her shoulder, pointing at links for Sam for click.

"How wonderfully corrupting!" Vala beamed. "Now, how do I find the porn?"

"Vala!" Sam turned bright red.

"Oh, come on, Sam! You can't fool me." Vala threw her arm around Sam's shoulder. "I know that underneath that geeky exterior is a wanton little hussy just waiting for her chance to shine."

Sam blinked. "Have you been getting into Liz's romance novels again?"

"I can't help myself. She's just as naughty as you are." Vala sniffed. "I'm so proud. Now, porn."

"Yes, Mistress. Right away, Mistress."

"Ooh, kinky. You wanton little hussy."

Sam couldn't help her smile, even as Vala dragged the keyboard away from her and started typing something into a search engine.

Suddenly, the screen went dark. Actually, everything went dark.

"SAM!" her neighbors' voices screamed.

"That wasn't my fault!" she shouted back.

"This time," Vala snickered. Sam, being the intelligent, mature woman she was, stuck her tongue out at her.

"Sorry!" Radek Zelenka's voice drifted up.

"Oh, for cryin' out loud!"

Sam and Vala looked at each other--well, in the general direction; it was hard to tell in the dark--and laughed.


	2. Losing it

Title: Tales From The House That Jack Built

Author: Raindrops on Roses

Rating: M  
Category: Humor, Alternate Universe  
Spoilers: None.

Fandom: Stargate SG-1/Atlantis  
Pairing: None.

Word Count: 326

Disclaimer: I own neither SG-1 nor Atlantis. It's very disappointing.

Summary: Building manager Jack shows Carson an apartment.

* * *

Jack flicked on the light switch. "Well, here we are. Kitchen, living room. Bedrooms over there. There's a half-bath off the master bedroom; full bathroom just down the hallway."

Carson looked askance at Jack. "It's very nice. Spacious." And it was nice. It seemed the super here actually did his job--unlike at his old flat. He knew what Janet said she paid for rent, but that couldn't be right. "So, how much did you say it would be?" he asked casually.

Jack smirked. "What, too high for you?"

"It does seem... unlikely... that a place of this caliber would be so... inexpensive," Carson replied.

"Yeah, well..." Jack scratched the back of his head. "You do have some... neighbors."

"Neighbors?" Carson didn't like that pause. Bad things lurked in pauses like that. "Look, they're not doing anything... illegal, are they? Because with my work visa--"

"No no, nothing like that," Jack said hurriedly. "They're just... strange."

Carson's brow furrowed. "Strange? Strange like your typical bored-person strange, or strange as in conspiracy theorist strange?"

"Strange as in crazy. Nuts. Insane. Bonzo."

"Do they bother other people?"

"Not at first." Jack wore a hunted look. "But you get sucked in."

"Ah." Carson thought for a moment. He really needed a new flat. And the rent here was good. And really, all he needed was a place to sleep--the hospital would keep him rather busy.

He opened his mouth to ask when he could move in. Everything went dark.

"SAM!" multiple people shouted. Someone banged on a wall.

"Sorry! Sorry!" a panicked female voice yelped.

Jack sighed and clicked on a torch. His eyes held a strange glint. Carson stepped back.

"So..." he hesitated. This was clearly a man on the edge. "Does this happen often?"

_"Yes,"_ Jack ground out. "Just... wait here while I fix this."

"All right." Janet hadn't warned him about this. Any of this. Not the power going out on a regular basis...

"No longer in possession of one's faculties... three fries short of a Happy Meal..."

Nor the super teetering on the edge of sanity.

_"Wacko!"_


	3. Everybody was kung fu fighting

Title: Tales From The House That Jack Built

Author: Raindrops on Roses

Rating: M  
Category: Humor, Alternate Universe  
Spoilers: None.

Fandom: Stargate SG-1/Atlantis  
Pairing: None.

Word Count: 441

Disclaimer: I own neither SG-1 nor Atlantis. It's very disappointing.

Summary: Jack introduces Daniel to his friend Murray.

* * *

"Danny!" Daniel winced. He hated being called Danny; he wasn't sure if Jack knew that, but his guess would be 'absolutely'. The man was worse than Rodney for getting under people's skin.

Though no one was quite as irritating as Rodney.

He turned around. "Mr. O'Neill," he said. "I'm really sorry about the other night--John and Cameron came over and we totally lost track of time."

Jack waved that off expansively. "Don't worry about it. At least I didn't have to go replace the fuses again."

"So, um... what did you want to talk..." Daniel blinked. A very large black man stood in his path, gazing at him calmly. _'This is generally the part where you run away.'_

Daniel hated that snide little voice. It sounded just like Rodney, and it was the cause of so many of his hospital trips. How was it that Rodney could say anything and nothing ever happened to him, but Daniel always managed to piss off the wrong people?

"Danny, I'd like you to meet my friend Murray. You can call him T."

_'Is his first name "Mister"?'_ Daniel smiled nervously. "Nice to meet you... T." The hulking form nodded slightly.

"T, this is one of my tenants, Daniel Jackson." Jack clapped a hand onto Daniel's shoulder. "Danny here has a bit of a problem with the neighborhood bullies."

An eyebrow arched. Daniel never knew someone who didn't smile could be so expressive. "Which one, O'Neill?" a rumbling voice asked.

"Ah... all of them." Jack sounded embarrassed for Daniel.

"Indeed." T looked at Daniel with an appraising eye.

"I was kinda hoping you'd show him a few things. You know, when to run away, things like that."

"Wait... don't you work at the diner down the street?" Daniel blurted.

"Best pancakes in the city," Jack nodded. "But T here also teaches some classes in his spare time."

_'In what--how to bench-press an SUV?'_ Daniel realized, by the looks on the two men's faces, that he'd said that out loud.

He winced and closed his eyes. A laugh caused him to crack one open again.

"See what I mean, T? Kid needs some help."

A smile finally cracked T's face. "I shall see you on Saturday, Daniel Jackson."

"Uh... okay." Why did he have a bad feeling about this?

Oh, yeah--because it was _Jack_. The only possible way it could be worse was if Rodney had been involved.

"Great! Thanks, T." Jack smiled. His friend nodded gravely and left.

"Uh, Jack?" Daniel asked past the sinking feeling in his stomach. "What kind of 'classes' am I taking?"

"Oh, that?" Jack replied innocently. "No big deal. T teaches classes in Tae Kwon Do."

Daniel groaned. Just what he needed. Classes in how to get his butt kicked.

Oh, for cryin' out loud.


End file.
